The aliens have given The Cheesy Reader permission to share their disclosure announcement video. Here is the transcript:
Greetings, Earthlings! Or as you might say, Hello! I'm Zog from the planet Blorptopia, and I’m here to clear up some—let’s say—cosmic confusion. We’ve been monitoring your broadcasts, social media posts, and the occasional conspiracy theory forum. Quite the entertainment, I must say! But, honestly, it’s time to set the record straight.
First off, can we talk about this obsession with drones and UAPs? I mean, really. Not every shiny thing in the sky is one of our ships. Sometimes it’s just, well, shiny things! Your planet has so many of them. Streetlights, airplanes, those pesky reflective balloons.
As for those frequent sightings of our ships, let me explain: we're not conducting surveillance. We're actually partaking in an intergalactic scavenger hunt. Earth has some of the best-hidden treasures, like that one sock everyone loses in the laundry. We’re just trying to complete our star map collection. Why start in North Jersey? It's no secret that Blorptopians love New York pizza.
On the age-old question of why it took so long for us to disclose our presence to you Earthlings. Let me explain a few of the more, shall we say, unique reasons behind the delay.
First and foremost, there’s the universal bureaucracy. Our Galactic Council is known for its paperwork—not the most thrilling part of interstellar relations. It took eons just to get the approval stamps from all 42 sectors, especially after Sector 19 misplaced its official intergalactic notary seal.
Then, there’s the communication barrier. Despite our advanced technology, figuring out how to effectively communicate with a species that debates pineapple on pizza was no small feat. We had to learn over 7,000 human languages and countless memes before crafting a message that wouldn’t cause mass confusion or misinterpretation.
Let’s not forget our initial attempts at contact, which were—ahem—less than successful. Remember crop circles? Those were supposed to be universal peace symbols. And what did Earthlings do? Turn them into advertisements. We had to rethink our strategy after that one.
There was also the issue of fashion. We couldn’t reveal ourselves until we found the perfect blend of cosmic style and Earthly attire—something that says, We come in peace and with impeccable taste. Settling on a wardrobe that didn’t involve sequined spacesuits took time.
But one of the key reasons for the delay in our disclosure has been the, shall we say, colorful nature of your politicians. Attempting to coordinate with your leaders has been like trying to perform synchronized swimming in a sea of gelatin—challenging and often bewildering.
Take, for example, the instance when we were all set for a grand announcement, only to find the meeting postponed because a key politician had decided to embark on an impromptu quest for the perfect cup of coffee. By the time he returned days later, we had already left for an important intergalactic summit on how to stop black holes from sucking up all the good vacation spots.
We also encountered delays when certain officials insisted on forming a Galactic Committee to analyze the economic impact of our presence. They spent months drafting reports, only to conclude that our love for Earth pizza might actually boost local economies—a revelation that didn’t surprise us in the least!
Speaking of food. There was the time a highly anticipated meeting was postponed because two prominent leaders couldn’t agree on the catering menu—apparently, deciding between mini burgers and sushi was more pressing than interstellar diplomacy.
Another memorable delay occurred when certain officials insisted on a full year of alien sensitivity training and the proper use of alien pronouns (we all go by Zog slash Zog, by the way). While we appreciated the effort, it seemed excessive given our simple message of peace and pizza appreciation.
We finally said screw it and decided to go to the people directly. Nobody believes earth politicians anymore anyway.
One more thing: Regarding the intriguing topic of remote viewers claiming to communicate with us through telepathy. Quite the click-bait on YouTube! Let me shed some light on this.
While we appreciate the effort and creativity, most of these claims are, how shall I put it? A bit off the mark. We do have telepathic capabilities, but we're not in regular contact with Earthlings this way. In fact, most of the so-called messages received seem to be intercepted cosmic background noise or misinterpreted signals from Blorptopian reality shows.
We understand that some humans feel a genuine connection or inspiration, and we consider it a compliment to be part of your imagination. However, we're perfectly capable of speaking for ourselves.
As for what we want? Really, we're just bored. Observing from afar got dull, so we're here to see if you Earthlings can handle a little extraterrestrial surprise in your daily commute. Just wait until you see what happens in rush hour when gravity takes a break.
That's it for now. Stay weird, Earthlings. We wouldn't have it any other way—Zog out!
See also:
Share this post