Federal Government Denies Everything About New Jersey Drone Swarms

Thy aren't ours. Ooops, yes they are. No, no they're not. Well, we're not sure.

In a series of PR faux pas that could only be scripted by a team of confused screenwriters, the U.S. government has unleashed a torrent of conflicting and exaggerated denials regarding the mysterious drone swarms hovering over New Jersey. As speculation mounts and wild theories bloom like dandelions, officials have taken to the airwaves with laughable assertions that leave the public scratching their heads in disbelief.

House Foreign Affairs Committee Chairman Michael McCaul recently threw his two cents into the chaotic mix, boldly suggesting, "Maybe these drones are from China!" In response, federal officials responded with an emphatic, "No way! Not China! Trust us, we know…even though we have no clue who is really behind the drones. Well, we’re not, but may be we are." This denial was delivered with such fervor that one might think they were clearing the air of an unpleasant smell rather than addressing national security concerns.

Previously, New Jersey Representative Jeff Van Drew claimed these drones were launched from an Iranian mothership patrolling just off the East Coast. The Pentagon, however, was quick to fire back with a definitive statement: “There is absolutely no Iranian ship off our coast! And if there were, we’d definitely tell you about it—right after we finish our coffee.” Such confidence is comforting, especially when it’s backed by the kind of transparency usually reserved for a magician’s secrets.

As drone sightings began to escalate from “a few” to “more than your average reality show plot twist," the FBI leapt into action, launching an investigation that might as well have been conducted with a magnifying glass and a map of local hobby shops. Their findings? “There are no credible threats,” they assured the public, adding, “but please report any suspicious drone activity…unless it’s ours.”

The situation took on an absurd edge when, just days after saying the drones were definitely not “ours,” federal officials began insisting that some of the drones were American military drones. But don’t worry, they insisted—they’re definitely not looking for radioactive material or planning any nefarious operations. “We promise we’re just flying around for fun!” they declared, as local officials rolled their eyes in unison.

In a particularly entertaining episode, Wright-Patterson Air Force Base was forced to close its airspace due to drone activity. Officials reassured everyone with an air of nonchalance: “No threat! Just a minor inconvenience! Kind of like when you accidentally sit on your remote control.”

Adding to this comedic saga was President-elect Donald Trump, who suggested that the military knows exactly where the drones originated but is simply playing coy with the public. “They know! They just don’t want you to know!” he proclaimed, leaving everyone to wonder if this was a clever ruse or just another diversion in the ongoing drama.

In a completely expected twist, Trump took to social media to further speculate, "These drones could be aliens! Believe me, I know aliens when I see them. The Feds are in on it!" His post quickly gained traction, sparking a flurry of memes featuring extraterrestrial drones wearing "Make Earth Great Again" hats.

Meanwhile, the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) held a press conference in which they denied any extraterrestrial involvement, stating with a chuckle, "The only aliens we're dealing with are the migrants who are currently staffing our air traffic control centers." They reassured the public that the drones were simply a case of advanced technology, not visitors from another planet.

The back-and-forth continued as Trump doubled down on his theory during a rally, claiming, “I have a very good relationship with aliens. Some of them are my best friends!”…leading the New York Times to call him, predictably, a species-ist for the “I have alien friends” remark.

As December rolls on, federal agencies continue to sift through an avalanche of tips—nearly 5,000 so far—yet they seem to have unearthed only a handful of leads that wouldn’t even fill a small notebook. Eyewitness accounts range from reports of ordinary drones to glowing orbs that sound more like a bad sci-fi flick than a national security issue.

Amidst all this chaos, conspiracy theorists and UFO enthusiasts have taken to Reddit’s r/UFOs community in droves, suggesting that some shadowy propaganda force is at play trying to keep the public in the dark. “It’s all part of the plan!” one enthusiast declared after posting an unsettling photo of what appeared to be an orb wearing sunglasses and sipping on a piña colada.

In summary, while federal responses continue to spiral into the realm of absurdity, residents of New Jersey are left to ponder: what’s really going on with those drones? Are they spies? Military toys? Or just overzealous hobbyists with too much time and technology on their hands? One thing is certain—this is one mystery that remains unsolved, much like how federal officials plan to spin their next round of denials.