Biden’s Wild Final Days: Going Scorched Earth with a Smile
Placard on the Back of Biden's Moving Van: "WWIII or Bust!"
Disclaimer: This article is satire…mostly.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the twilight of his presidency approaches, President Joe Biden has decided to make his exit from the Oval Office as memorable as possible. Following his unexpected ousting from the 2024 presidential race, Biden is reportedly embracing a “scorched earth” strategy with the enthusiasm of a child let loose in a candy store.
In a series of bold and baffling moves, Biden has been seen gleefully signing executive orders at a pace that has left even his most diligent aides scrambling. The directives, ranging from the bizarre to the utterly bewildering, have included mandates for all White House staff to wear matching Hawaiian shirts on Fridays and an order to paint the White House blood red in memory of his infamous “Dark Brandon” speech.
Jill Biden has reportedly also stolen all the White House toilet paper, Post-It Notes, and paper clips from the office supply closet.
Observers have noted that Joe Biden’s newfound zest for chaos mirrors the antics of a character from a political sitcom, leading many to wonder if this final act is merely Biden’s way of ensuring his legacy won’t be forgotten.
“If I’m going out, I’m going out with fireworks,” he reportedly told a bewildered Kamala Harris, who had been tasked with keeping the lid on Biden’s more extravagant ideas, like converting the Lincoln Bedroom into a karaoke lounge.
Harris, to her credit, told off Biden, saying: “Get the hell out of here with your bad self,” and then drank herself into a stupor in the White House’s first floor gender-neutral bathroom.
Perhaps the most audacious of Biden’s recent actions is his approach to foreign policy. In a move that has sent shockwaves through global capitals, Biden has authorized the deployment of U.S. ATACMS missiles by Ukraine, striking deep within Russian territory. Critics argue this escalation is a dangerous gambit, suggesting Biden might be aiming to ignite World War III before handing over the reins to Donald Trump.
“Well, if we’re going to hand over the keys, we might as well make sure the ignition’s already started,” Biden reportedly quipped, flashing a smile that left diplomats both amused and alarmed.
This bold military maneuver has led to whispers in Washington that Biden is determined to leave Trump with an international crisis of unprecedented scale. “It’s like he’s lighting the fuse and tossing the match over his shoulder as he walks out the door,” one former defense official remarked.
The sense of impending doom has cast a shadow over Biden’s otherwise whimsical exit strategies, leaving allies and adversaries alike on edge at the prospect of global thermonuclear war.
However, the spawn of Illuminati puppet master George Soros, Alex Soros, hailed the bold nuclear dance step, proclaiming: “This is great news!” on X/Xwitter/Twixter/WhateverYouCallIt:
By “great news,” the younger Soros was referring to the possibility of abundant nuclear fallout, which is actually a form of nutrient foodstuff enjoyed by the Reptilian/human hybrid species of which he is a part.
In an unprecedented move, Biden also invited world leaders to a “Diddy-Style Farewell Party” at the White House, complete with extravagant decor, a star-studded guest list, and a playlist curated by the President himself. The event promised an evening of glitz and glamor, featuring everything from gourmet hot dogs to hand-picked sex slaves fresh from the border. Attendees were encouraged to dress in white, adding a touch of elegance to the playful atmosphere.
Critics have suggested that Biden’s antics are a result of his frustration at being sidelined in the 2024 election. However, supporters argue that his actions are simply a testament to his enduring sense of humor and zest for life. “He’s bringing joy to politics,” one aide commented, “which is something we desperately need right now that Nazi Trump is coming into power.”
As Biden continues to blaze his unique trail through the annals of political history, Americans are left to wonder what surprises he might unveil next. Will he declare every Monday to be “Pajama Day” for government employees? Will he replace Air Force One with a fleet of hot air balloons?
In a final twist worthy of a fairy tale, it was revealed at a recent press conference that President Joe Biden has secretly been going by another name all along. With a mischievous twinkle in his eye, Biden leaned into the microphone and whispered, “By the way, my real name is... Rumpelstiltskin.”