Biden Awards Lucifer the Presidential Medal of Freedom

Lucifer joins George Soros, Beelzebub, Charles Manson, and other notorious figures in receiving the coveted award.

In an unprecedented and jaw-dropping ceremony at the White House today, outgoing President Joe Biden awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to none other than Lucifer, also known as Satan, the Prince of Darkness himself. This move has sparked a flurry of reactions across the globe, leaving political analysts, religious leaders, and Twitter users in a state of bewilderment.

The ceremony, held in the East Room of the White House, was attended by a mix of political dignitaries, celebrities, and the damned, all of whom watched on as the infamous fallen angel took center stage to receive the nation's highest civilian honor.

President Biden, in his speech, praised Lucifer for his “dedication to challenging the status quo” and his “commitment to providing alternative perspectives.” He remarked, “In a world that often sees things in black and white, Lucifer has always been there to remind us of the shades of gray.”

Lucifer, looking dapper in a custom-tailored suit with embroidered flames, graciously accepted the medal. He humbly addressed the audience, saying, “I never imagined I'd be here today, receiving such an honor. It just goes to show that if you work hard and never give up on your dreams, anything is possible—even if you're literally the embodiment of evil.”

In keeping with the theme of the day, President Biden extended the honors to a host of other notorious figures from the netherworld, sparking further astonishment. Beelzebub received accolades for his help in protecting endangered fly species. Hillary Clinton gracious received her medal along with Lilith and Jezebel, who were recognized for their “fierce advocacy of women’s rights since ancient times.”

Even the Headless Horseman was awarded for his “dedication to public transportation and alternative commuting methods.”

In a continuation of the eyebrow-raising ceremony, President Biden also bestowed awards upon infamous figures from more recent history. Jack the Ripper was acknowledged for his “impact on historical criminology and the enduring mystery of unsolved cases,” while H.H. Holmes was cited for his “innovative approach to urban infrastructure,” for his pioneering work with the first “Murder Castle.”

Not to be outdone, Charles Manson was recognized for his “contributions to counterculture music and social commentary,” accepting his medal with a chilling smile.

Joining George Soros in being brought back from the dead, serial killer John Wayne Gacy was also awarded the Medal of Honor for his “exceptional contributions to the art of juggling dual identities,” with a special nod to his “pioneering work in underground community engagement.”

The ceremony included a performance by Marilyn Manson, who serenaded the audience with a special rendition of “Highway to Hell.” The event concluded with a light-hearted Q&A session where reporters asked Lucifer for his thoughts on climate change, to which he replied, "I’m a fan of warm weather."

Social media exploded with reactions ranging from shock and disbelief to humor and memes featuring “Hell freezes over” scenarios. One X user quipped, “Lucifer getting a medal is proof we are living in the upside-down world. What’s next? The Tooth Fairy for Secretary of Treasury?”

Religious leaders have expressed mixed reactions. While some condemned the ceremony as blasphemous, The Episcopal Church crafted a statement calling for diversity and inclusion, suggesting Lucifer’s award was a clever metaphor about embracing one’s inner demons and understanding marginalized viewpoints.

As historians scramble to record this bizarre chapter in American history, one thing is clear: President Biden's final days in office will be remembered for this unorthodox act of diplomacy. Whether it’s seen as a bold statement or a colossal faux pas, it has certainly left an indelible mark on his legacy.

In the end, as Lucifer departed the White House with his new piece of neckwear gleaming brightly, he was heard whispering to reporters, “I guess 2025 will be lit.”