2025 Quits: Calls It a Year

After one day on the job, 2025 decides to pack it in.

BREAKING NEWS: The year 2025 has officially called it quits and decided to let 2026 take over early. The announcement came after a series of explosive events marked the beginning of the year, coupled with an overwhelming number of doom predictions that left 2025 feeling utterly exhausted.

“I just can’t do it anymore,” 2025 said in a press conference. “I started off with a bang, literally, and it’s been downhill from there. The pressure of living up to everyone’s expectations and the constant doom and gloom predictions were just too much for me."

The year threatened to begin with a series of unprecedented events, including the possibility of a new and worse global pandemic that would somehow manage to resurface, a major cryptocurrency crash and subsequent banking collapse, leaving investors scrambling, and a sudden increase in bigger and better UFO sightings that would have the world questioning reality.

As if that weren't enough, 2025 was also predicted to be plagued by a series of natural disasters, including a massive earthquake that will shake the West Coast, an unheard-of category 6 hurricane that promises to utterly devastate Florida and Georgia, and a swarm of locusts that will descend upon the Midwest and travel eastward, snarling air traffic. On the plus side, the locusts will also invariably knock out some mystery drones while they are at it.

La Palma island will also fall into the sea, causing a massive tsunami that will tear apart the East Coast, as predicted by the Netflix limited series released over the 2024 holiday season. The magnetosphere will also collapse as the earth’s magnetic poles flip, while the Yellowstone caldera erupts and California falls into the sea.

As also predicted in the movie Melancholia, the moon will also crash in to the earth, but at least it will be finally revealed as a hollow alien base.

Finally, mega solar flares and CMEs will totally torch the earth’s surface, leaving Russian President Putin stomping his feet as his threats of starting nuclear Armageddon become worthless. The aliens will have already destroyed the nuclear stockpiles anyway.

“It’s like the universe is conspiring against me," 2025 lamented. "I tried my best to keep things together, but with each passing hour, it became clearer and clearer that I was in over my head."

The final straw came when an unlikely group of YouTube psychics, Vedic astrologers, and charismatic Christian prophets released a joint statement predicting that the remainder of 2025 would be filled with utter chaos and destruction.

“I know we said it was going to happen in 2012,” said one astrologer. “But our calculations are wrong. Trust us, the doom is really happening now in 2025.”

“Be prepared to be raptured at any second!” chimed in an online preacher.

“That was it for me," 2025 said. "I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't escape the inevitable. So, I've decided to throw in the towel and let 2026 take over early. Maybe they’ll have better luck."

In response to the announcement, 2026 released a statement expressing surprise but also a willingness to step up to the challenge.

“We didn’t expect to be called into action so soon,” the statement read. “But we’re ready to give it our all and make the most of the time we have left. Here’s hoping for a better year than 2025.”

As for 2025, the year plans to take some much-needed time off to recharge and reflect on its brief but tumultuous tenure.

“I’m going to spend the next few months binge-watching Netflix and catching up on some well-deserved rest," 2025 said. "And who knows, maybe I’ll come back stronger and better than ever in a few decades. Stranger things have happened."

2025 has now settled at its new island home in the Archipelago of Last Years, a group of islands where old years go to retire. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer promised to visit 2025 Island to conduct regular wellness checks.